I try to keep politics out of my blog. It’s honestly the only place I keep my opinions quiet (well political ones anyway.) But seriously I can’t contain myself any more. I’m so over the people who continually argue about immigration. Everyone has a bit of validity to their argument. However, being the awesome person I am, I have figured out a way to make everyone in The Valley of the Sun Stroke, and beyond, come to an understanding and agreement about immigration. Now I’m not talking about Mexican, Cuban or even Syrian immigrants. No No No!! I am talking about a wave of immigrants so sinister that they cause havoc across most of the southern US. I am talking about those pesky, evil, overtly tan Canadians also referred to as “Snow Birds”!! No one complains about Canadian immigrants. They’re sneaky!! They sweep across our borders in droves!! Disarming us with their smiles and overuse of “eh.” Mostly during the first weeks of October. It’s like a swarm of golden, brown slowly taking over our cities. At first you don’t notice them. You’re on your way to work. It’s a typical Monday. The morning sun seems to have a warmer glow. You’re sipping your coffee, listening to the imaginary traffic reports. (let’s be honest those of us that have lived in cities like New York, Los Angeles and Seattle really understand the havoc of a morning commute) cruising down the I-10 when out of nowhere, from the fast lane, a white sedan cuts in front of you doing 20mph!! You slam on your breaks, spill your coffee all over your new shirt, miss the part of the traffic report that tells you your exit for work is closed for a wrong way driver.....again, violently swerve to avoid running over the IDIOT that just cut you off, narrowly missing the unsuspecting person next to you all while spewing a lineage of cuss words that would put Bette Midler to shame. As a true, Los Angeles worthy pileup, happens behind you, said idiot continues along their merry way none the wiser to the chaos behind them. After you’ve exchanged insurance information with the 20 other people behind you, you continue along to work 2 hours late. A few days later, same morning routine, only in your rental car. Up ahead you notice a similar white sedan in the fast lane. Being a bit nervous after Monday, you slow down and merge into the slow lane. After all this am you’ve gone to Dutch Brothers and you’re NOT spilling it!! Sure enough the vehicle merges right at 20mph causing another person to endure your Monday morning. Curious as to who this F#@*ing idiot is you follow them for 20 minutes. 2 miles later they abruptly get off at the exit for IHop. You watch them park. They circle the parking lot for 30 minutes looking for a parking spot. Meanwhile you’ve parked, finished your coffee and need to pee. You’ve come up with 100 reasons why they haven’t parked in one of the 15 open parking spots: Maybe they have OCD and it’s imperative to circle the restaurant you want to eat at 40 times before parking. Maybe they can only pull into a parking spot from the left every other day of the week. You’re at a loss. Finally, they park. You anxiously wait for them to emerge from their vehicle. As the door opens you’re blinded by a bright light, thank goodness you have sunglasses on. As your eyes adjust you realize it’s just the sun reflecting off the stark white hair. Your first thought is, “Doesn’t Sun City have an IHop?” You’re second thought is, “How did I end up 3 hours late for work?” You leave work frustrated and head to the store. As you set about collecting the items on your list you see the same people from this morning in the aisle at the grocery store. They are blocking exactly what you need, loudly comparing the sodium content of potato chips. You politely wait for 3 minutes and decide to skip the chips and head to the deli. There they are!! “How did they move that fast??” Frustrated, you turn to go get apples, only to bump into the SAME PEOPLE!!! It’s that moment when you realize everyone in the store looks alike!! Tan skin, overly white hair, bright tank top, white shorts, gleaming white teeth. It’s like a bad dream. You run from the store screaming only to have another Stepford Canadian ask, “Sonny are you ok eh?” And thus begins Snowbird season. Wherever you go these people haunt you. Literally from October to May EVERYTHING you do requires an extra few hours. It doesn’t matter where you go or what time of day you go there. It’s like they have spies with walkie talkies across the city and their only goal is to ruin everyday citizens’ lives. The freeways are clogged with them. Car accident rates increase. Every parking spot at the grocery store is taken. Urgent care??? Unless you’re on the verge of death or have 4 free hours avoid it and don’t even think about getting your prescription that same day. You want to get in a quick 9 holes…..It will take 3 days. Chain restaurants now take reservations 2 weeks in advance and happy hour consists of a free carafe of decaf & pie with every meal. And this brings me full circle to immigration. Seriously, you can’t tell me you haven’t thought at some point during those 7 months that Snowbirds should not be allowed into this great state or at least regulated. So I propose limits on these “snowbirds.” Maybe we should impose a visa program that allows them a few days to visit and then they need to get out!! We could devise a snowbird exchange program with other southern states. Maybe we should close the borders to Snowbirds all together. Imagine a city free from traffic hassles and pie. Better yet let’s build a wall. If they manage to get over it or tunnel under it they can stay so long as they bring some home brew. At least the home brew will help ease the pain of sharing our freeways.
Let’s make Arizona Great Again, eh!!!