Thursday, May 11, 2017

Update: Chapter 35 So You Think You Can Dance Part 2

Zombie Baby loves music. He always has. Princess Arya would play the guitar when he was still in utero and he'd kick up a storm. His current obsession is Panic! At the Disco. Here he is with his rendition of "This Is Gospel" complete with dance moves. Princess Prada on Piano.  Make sure to wait til the end!!

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Land of the Snowbirds, Home of the Brave

I try to keep politics out of my blog. It’s honestly the only place I keep my opinions quiet (well political ones anyway.) But seriously I can’t contain myself any more. I’m so over the people who continually argue about immigration.  Everyone has a bit of validity to their argument. However, being the awesome person I am, I have figured out a way to make everyone in The Valley of the Sun Stroke, and beyond, come to an understanding and agreement about immigration. Now I’m not talking about Mexican, Cuban or even Syrian immigrants. No No No!!  I am talking about a wave of immigrants so sinister that they cause havoc across most of the southern US. I am talking about those pesky, evil, overtly tan Canadians also referred to as “Snow Birds”!! No one complains about Canadian immigrants. They’re sneaky!! They sweep across our borders in droves!! Disarming us with their smiles and overuse of “eh.” Mostly during the first weeks of October. It’s like a swarm of golden, brown slowly taking over our cities. At first you don’t notice them. You’re on your way to work. It’s a typical Monday. The morning sun seems to have a warmer glow. You’re sipping your coffee, listening to the imaginary traffic reports. (let’s be honest those of us that have lived in cities like New York, Los Angeles and Seattle really understand the havoc of a morning commute) cruising down the I-10 when out of nowhere, from the fast lane, a white sedan cuts in front of you doing 20mph!! You slam on your breaks, spill your coffee all over your new shirt, miss the part of the traffic report that tells you your exit for work is closed for a wrong way driver.....again, violently swerve to avoid running over the IDIOT that just cut you off, narrowly missing the unsuspecting person next to you all while spewing a lineage of cuss words that would put Bette Midler to shame. As a true, Los Angeles worthy pileup, happens behind you, said idiot continues along their merry way none the wiser to the chaos behind them. After you’ve exchanged insurance information with the 20 other people behind you, you continue along to work 2 hours late.  A few days later, same morning routine, only in your rental car. Up ahead you notice a similar white sedan in the fast lane. Being a bit nervous after Monday, you slow down and merge into the slow lane. After all this am you’ve gone to Dutch Brothers and you’re NOT spilling it!! Sure enough the vehicle merges right at 20mph causing another person to endure your Monday morning. Curious as to who this F#@*ing idiot is you follow them for 20 minutes.  2 miles later they abruptly get off at the exit for IHop. You watch them park. They circle the parking lot for 30 minutes looking for a parking spot. Meanwhile you’ve parked, finished your coffee and need to pee. You’ve come up with 100 reasons why they haven’t parked in one of the 15 open parking spots: Maybe they have OCD and it’s imperative to circle the restaurant you want to eat at 40 times before parking. Maybe they can only pull into a parking spot from the left every other day of the week. You’re at a loss. Finally, they park. You anxiously wait for them to emerge from their vehicle. As the door opens you’re blinded by a bright light, thank goodness you have sunglasses on. As your eyes adjust you realize it’s just the sun reflecting off the stark white hair. Your first thought is, “Doesn’t Sun City have an IHop?” You’re second thought is, “How did I end up 3 hours late for work?” You leave work frustrated and head to the store. As you set about collecting  the items on your list you see the same people from this morning in the aisle at the grocery store. They are blocking exactly what you need, loudly comparing the sodium content of potato chips. You politely wait for 3 minutes and decide to skip the chips and head to the deli. There they are!! “How did they move that fast??” Frustrated, you turn to go get apples, only to bump into the SAME PEOPLE!!!  It’s that moment when you realize everyone in the store looks alike!! Tan skin, overly white hair, bright tank top, white shorts, gleaming white teeth. It’s like a bad dream. You run from the store screaming only to have another Stepford Canadian ask, “Sonny are you ok eh?” And thus begins Snowbird season. Wherever you go these people haunt you. Literally from October to May EVERYTHING you do requires an extra few hours. It doesn’t matter where you go or what time of day you go there.  It’s like they have spies with walkie talkies across the city and their only goal is to ruin everyday citizens’ lives. The freeways are clogged with them. Car accident rates increase. Every parking spot at the grocery store is taken. Urgent care??? Unless you’re on the verge of death or have 4 free hours avoid it and don’t even think about getting your prescription that same day. You want to get in a quick 9 holes…..It will take 3 days. Chain restaurants now take reservations 2 weeks in advance and happy hour consists of a free carafe of decaf & pie with every meal. And this brings me full circle to immigration.  Seriously, you can’t tell me you haven’t thought at some point during those 7 months that Snowbirds should not be allowed into this great state or at least regulated. So I propose limits on these “snowbirds.” Maybe we should impose a visa program that allows them a few days to visit and then they need to get out!! We could devise a snowbird exchange program with other southern states. Maybe we should close the borders to Snowbirds all together. Imagine a city free from traffic hassles and pie. Better yet let’s build a wall. If they manage to get over it or tunnel under it they can stay so long as they bring some home brew. At least the home brew will help ease the pain of sharing our freeways.
Let’s make Arizona Great Again, eh!!! 

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Chapter 43- Lions and Tigers and.....Squirrels??

I realized that one of the reasons I don't blog as regularly is because I have this notion that I have to write something long and epic. That's a lot of pressure when I'm scattered. Then I remembered....I'm funny. I have snippets of funny as well.(Hence my Random Ramblings)  So this shall be a look into the chaos and Random Free Association  (RFA) that is my mind!! RFA is basically how things in my mind are linked together, think 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon with a lot of OCD and shiny involved. SQUIRREL..... wait... what was I saying??....... Oooohhhhh that reminds me....... Quite a few years ago  (ok it was like 11-ish years ago but it relates I swear) we were at The Royal Retreat. (look for more info on this amazing place in the near future **or a few months based on my blogging history**  It was a beautiful summer day. One of those end of summer days that hold all the promise of summer but you can taste fall on the edges of the breeze. We only had 6 or 7 kids then. Anyway Princess Arya was playing hide-n-seek outside when she felt something crawling up her leg. Being a girl she of course screamed and started to brush the thing off. But it wouldn't budge. When she finally got up the nerve to look at what it was she was shocked to see a baby squirrel. She picked it up and put it on a tree thinking the mommy must be nearby. Not long after the same baby squirrel followed by it's 2 siblings was seen running up to Princess Arya again. By now we are all watching in amazement because every time she'd put them down they would come back to her. So we put them close to a tree a little bit away and decided to research squirrel and human interaction. Now up in the mountains folks allow their dogs to run free. So it was just a few minutes later that one of the friendly neighbor dogs came running over to show the kids his prize.....the mommy squirrel. So while some of us rushed to keep the puppy distracted the rest of us ran to check on the babies. We were going to move them to a safe location until we could figure out what to do with them. However every time anyone but Princess Arya tried to go near them they would hide. So we all stayed back while she retrieved the babies. I of course being somewhat of a psychopathic hypochondriac made her get gloves.
Actual baby squirrel
After all squirrels do carry Bubonic Plague. And while I wear black most of the time I did not wish for my children or myself to in fact die of The Black Death. (insert "Dun Dun Dunnnn" music here)  During my frantic glove search, one of the squirrels succumbed to the circle of life (meaning it was eaten) however we managed to save 2. We then found a wildlife rescue about an hour away that would take them. So we drove them there and they actually were eventually released into the wild. Well so they told us anyway. Keep in mind that around this time UP had just come out. We had some dear friends that said I was a lot like Doug the dog hence the "Squirrel" thing. Talking about squirrels leads me to another story. RAF remember!!! Anyway when we left the Last Frontier and moved back to actual civilization my grandma had passed. After 3 months my grandfather also passed. I'll save you the drama but I didn't see either of them before they died. So one day I decided to go to their grave sites and say my good byes. (cuz well you know... why not)  So I get there and first went to go find a friend. He killed himself when we were 16 and I had not been back to his grave since. After leaving him a note with pics of my kids and the impact he had made on my life when he was alive and in his death I moved on to my Grandparents. I find it best to just catch everyone you need to see when visiting cemeteries. After all they aren't exactly known for good times. Wow this sounds kinda morbid..... but it does involve squirrels. Anyway I find my way to my grandparents' eternal resting place and sit down. Praying, crying. I was actually shocked by the utter sadness that enveloped me. The cemetery there has smaller areas where people are buried so the streets that separate them are only wide enough for 1 vehicle and the grassy areas are close enough that you can hear others talking. I sat there sobbing for a good 15 minutes. Eyes closed, snot running down my face before I was finally able to compose myself.  (The picture of beauty right there!!)  As I dry my eyes and clean up my face I finally look up. The first thing I see......well a squirrel scampering up a nearby tree of course. So what do I do? Well I loudly proclaim "SQUIRREL!!" and proceed to burst into hysterical laughter.  It wasn't until I got into my vehicle that I noticed the very confused and trepidatious look on the face of the lady across the way. I still wonder what she was thinking. Keeping with the family theme, there is an Uncle in our family. He is an amazing man.
He had an illustrious career and would be someone you'd want with you were you hoping to survive the zombie appocolypse. He hikes, is fit, witty, genuinely awesome. Just an all around great guy. There's nothing you would expect him to not be able to do let alone be afraid of.  Well guess what, everyone has an achilles tendon. His happens to be squirrels. Really!! He swears he was attacked by squirrels. Seriously. I always thought it was a joke until one day we were at a park. As you may or may not know squirrels tend to inhabit trees. Trees in cities happen to be in parks.  Forward to a squirrel jumping on the seat of the park bench. Uncle screams, jumps and runs. It was an epic event that can't truly be appreciated unless it was witnessed. I would have won a fortune on America's Funniest Home Videos. But footage.  And thus concludes my RFA for today. This post started out as something completely different but as you can see I lost my train of thought along the way. So tonight before you go to sleep don't forget to think about your squirrel moments. Unless you're scared of them, then think of fuzzy bunnies. Unless you're scared of those then think of teddy bears. Oh speaking of bears..........

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

I WILL be back!!!!

OMG the time- space-continuum in my room obviously had me in another realm for Wwwwaaayyyy longer than I realized. Here I am thinking, "Oh, it's been a few months. I should blog!" and when I look at a calendar it's been 19 MONTHS!!!! (provided you discount my rant in March 2016 about my sperm donor) WTF!!!??!!?? I swear it's been like 6 months!! This is seriously getting out of hand!! I may need to call Ghost Busters at this rate!! I wonder if the women will do a better job than the men? (Clearly started this post awhile ago) After all 2016 seems to be the year of the woman……ok…ok…I won’t digress into politics……..yet.  Since I am a tad behind the times with this time-space continuum jet lag and all, I obviously need to do a recap. Jet lag is soooooo hard to overcome!! Especially when Zombie Baby keeps waking me up at 6 am!!! UGH!! Grrrrrrr!!! Sigh.  (It’s probably time to upgrade him from baby to child since he’s 4, but hey I’m always late)  Why is it, that after 23 years and 9 children, I only have 1 on a schedule??  I remember when my MIL, very sweetly, told me to get my one kid on a schedule! How dare SHE tell ME to get MY kid on a schedule!?! I seriously thought she was f*%#ing CraCra!!!  I've got plenty of time!! Princess Avalon....Are you on a schedule yet?? After all, you are 22 and as of this blog have been MARRIED for over 12 months!!!!  HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!! ............... I'm clearly just a slacker.  A SERIOUS slacker!! 

So let's bring y'all up to speed!!

**** I’ll attempt to go in chronological order however I am suffering from space travel sickness (Hey it’s a real epidemic!!) so bear with me if I bounce around****

Princes Arya started her first year of college. (although as of this blog she's well into her second year. Please bear with me) This was truly a monumental event for me. She is the ONLY child that I never put back in school. She did Kindergarten and that was it. I think I was more nervous than she was. Of course she did fabulous, 4.0 both semesters AND an honors scholarship award. To say I was proud is an understatement!!!!! I homeschooled 2 children, BOTH of whom have rocked college life!! 4.0’s every semester for both of them!!
 I BTW, I’m totally taking credit for their achievements because…..
#1. I birthed them!!
#2. I educated them!! (well kinda) 
#3. I’m the mom so I get to toot my own horn!! (what a weird term) 

Princess Avalon and Tio Loco got married in October, 16 days after My Knight in Shining Armour and I celebrated our 22nd Anniversary. It was truly, truly lovely!! Princess Avalon and Tio Loco were fortunate enough to have both Great-grandparents and Grandparents there to witness their vows to one another. The day after their wedding they were leaving on a jet plane to celebrate their marriage with a wonderful honeymoon in Paris and Barcelona. Princess Avalon has adored Paris for many, many years!  She was so excited to finally be able to see this city she's been dreaming of exploring!! Unfortunately, she was less than thrilled with Paris. She felt like it was the Vegas of Europe, very touristy and spread out. Barcelona made up for everything that Paris lacked, all of the architecture, history, the religious influence, the culture, the people mesmerized her. She is currently attempting to convince Tio Loco to move abroad, which would mean we’d see them a tad less often, however the scenery would be amazing!!!

After the hustle and bustle of the wedding we were able to spend some quality time with extended family. My children have been beyond blessed to not only have grandparents but GREAT-Grandparents!!!! Grandpa was 93 years old as of October 2015. He was able to see his first grandchild be born, graduate high school, get married, have a child, making him a great-grandpa, AND witness his    Great –granddaughter  pledge her love and devotion to her spouse.

16 days after their wedding Grandpa finished his journey here on Earth to start a new journey with Our Lord. Grandpa was an amazing man who was more of a grandfather to me than my own. I will never forget the unconditional love he gave all of us. I feel blessed to have known him and even more blessed to know that my children will have such amazing memories of him. While we are sad he’s not here we know he’s still watching over us. This was a truly difficult time for all of us. As we come up on the 1 year anniversary of his passing I know we will be moved to tears and laughter as we celebrate the amazing life he lived!!

About 10 days after grandpa passed, My Knight in Shining Armour and I found out we were expecting baby #10!! While I was not surprised (Hey, I do remember some of my drunken escapades sheesh!! and yes it was my Knight's!!)  I was also less than thrilled. We decided to not tell anyone for the moment. We celebrated Thanksgiving, Sir Lancelot turned 15 ans was accepted into a local conservation,  volunteer program. We moved into December. December was busy. We met some people earlier in the year, who quickly became dear friends. A few days before Grandpa passed, the Matriarch of their family also was called home. We spent 2 long weekends helping them tie up matters and move things back to The Valley of the Sun Stroke. On December 24th I started having issues. On December 31st it was confirmed, via ultrasound, that our baby had no heart beat. Driving home was......I can't describe it. Sorrow, guilt, anger..... too many emotions to deal with.  It was with great trepidation and sorrow that I informed my kids that we were pregnant and the baby was dead. My body was less than efficient, so on January 7th I had D and C. 

  My OB was kind enough to let us know that the local catholic cemetery did free burial for babies born before 22 weeks. So on January 19, 2016, we buried our baby. All of us were pretty sure the baby was a girl so we named her Therese Rose. I'd never experienced miscarriage before. The isolation and devastation left me with such a void. I know many women have gone through this but for my family it truly changed us. It's been a year since we buried her and I still feel a void. 

As we start out 2017 I am optimistic these next 19 months will not be as tumultuous as late 2015 and all of 2016.(if they are I'm pretty sure by 2018 I'll be a permanent resident at Betty Ford!! That will suck because I don't think they will allow all my vodka donations!!)  Princess Avalon will be 23 on Friday!! She is truly an amazing, strong, independent woman!! Princess Arya will be 20 six weeks after that. She is also an amazing, beautiful strong, independent woman!! Being the parent of 2 adult strong-willed women is amazing!! And frustrating!! And beautiful!! And frustrating!! There's nothing worse than arguing with yourself!! How strange it's been to see qualities of myself in both my daughters. While eerily similar to me they are also vastly different!!! And they are different from one another!! Offspring truly are amazing!! Also this year: 

Sir Lancelot will be 17!! 
Princess Prada will be 15 and able to get her driver's permit in September!!
Princess Rambo will be 14!!
Prince Jester will be 12!!
Prince Zilla will be 10!!
Robin Hood will be 8!! AND the crazy thing is 
Zombie Baby will be 5!! 

I've learned a few things over the last 19 months:
1. Moms of only boys are truly headed straight to Heaven!!! 
2. 4 young boys growing up together can cause amazing amounts of     
    destruction to a home. I wasn't aware how many ways holes could be made in       plaster before I had 4 boys in a row!! 
3. Action figures and Ninjas are incredibly violent!!! 
4. Boys can be beating the crap out of one another one minute and then be best 
    friends the next. (unlike girls) 
5. 3 or more boys in a row are a direct cause of a vastly increasing ratio of a 
    moms natural hair color to gray hair color!! 
6. A mom of 3 or more boys will have experienced many heart attacks before      
    they all turn 10. 
7. These last 3 will probably be the death of me!!! 

I hope these last 19 months have found you well!! I hope even more that this year of 2017 will be full of beautiful, breath taking moments for all of you!!! I have had a private session in my home with Rebel Wilson!! I think we have fixed the time-space continuum that has been occurring in my bathroom!!  I'm very excited to be able to update y'all far more frequently than I have the last 19 months. 

Happy New Year!!!! 
Out with the old in with the new!!!
New Year, New Me!! 
and all the other cliche sayings you can think of!!
(yes I know the "e" in cliche has a thingy above it. {that is an official word btw} I can not quite figure out how to do that within this bloggy world I am limited to. I guess I will need to figure it out if I continue to use fancy words!! See you CAN teach a new dog old tricks!!) 

Approach the New Year with resolve to find the opportunities hidden in each new day. ~Michael Josephson (b.1942),

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Ode to being a parent (well sort of)

******So it’s 1am. I am sitting here sobbing while typing. Yes this is childish, but I don’t even care!! It came to my attention an hour ago that my “loving” mother has been talking to the sperm donor for a very long time. Apparently their topics of conversations seem to be what a terrible person I am. Who knew? (well maybe a lot of you did because I am obviously delusional but hey it’s news to me)  So in honor of my parents I thought I’d repost this again with a few more details. My mother spent 20 years lying to the sperm donor about money. I took the blame because she was my mother. All the years he hit her and punched holes in doors it was my job to protect her. When she was suicidal and he was 10mi from her house he called me and said I needed to deal with it, I was 142mi away. When he decided to get married it was my job to tell her and deal with her emotional bullshit. But I digress, reality is my mother is no better than him. She not only allowed him to treat me like shit my entire life, she continues to allow it to this day. She has never baked cookies with me, or been at the birth of any of my 9 children. She moved to The Valley of the Sun Stroke but made it VERY clear she didn’t do it to be near her grandchildren or me.  She wasn’t here to “be a baby sitter.” While my husband was in the hospital this last week, with what we thought was a heart attack,  she REFUSED to sleep at my house and help my kids. Instead she came over ONE day out of the 3, sat at my table, yelled at my kids to get her more wine and refused to change diapers or help with kids. She even went so far as to say she didn’t understand why I had her come over here to help because she” was just there to take up space and drive if there was an emergency.”  It never occurred to her that she should….I don’t know….HELP!!!??? As a grandparent I would think that being able to help with the little kids when the older kids are scared would be a great honor … …...apparently I had too much vodka and am delusional. (well we all knew that I was delusional but apparently it’s worse than I originally thought) So this is my last hoorah when it comes to any posts about my “parents” (and I use that term VERY VERY loosely)  So let’s raise our glasses to Lawrence Robert Hunt aka Reno Metal Man and Sammie Carol Hunt aka worst example of a mom next to Mommy Dearest. Now suck down that last drink in honor of these 2 fine specimens of paternal love!!  And OFF WITH THEIR  HEADS!!!!!!!!!!!********

**Thought I'd re-post due to being disowned yet again!! This poor man has issues LOL**
     Obviously I don't though. I mean I got them all out right here for the world to read!!
     Who knew blogging could be so F*%king therapeutic!!!! Plus all of this relates to my
      next blog about The Red Queen! 

WARNING: This post will be filled with truth (to the best of my ability to remember) There will be moments that are bittersweet and moments that are funny but it will mostly be filled with sadness, anger, lots of cuss words and extreme amounts of dislike. If you do not condone these things then please do not read this post.

You have been warned. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 38. If I were turning 40 it would make this post even more satisfying, but alas I won’t be, so 38 years old will have to suffice. My parents never really made a big deal about birthdays, The Red Queen always said, “It’s just another day.” That is usually how I feel about my birthday.  I do, however,  make an enormous deal over my kids birthdays, from one side of the pendulum to the next I guess.  So I do not ever expect anyone to remember my birthday nor does it bother me if they do not. So imagine my surprise when my father, ‘The Metal Man’ artist in Reno NV, sent me an email tonight.  The subject read “Your F***ing Birthday Tomorrow”. My first thought was, “Huh. I wonder what I did now?”  I hadn’t spoken to my sperm donor since I sent him a late Father’s Day message on FaceBook. We are not friends on FaceBook mind you, I had to actually go out of my way to search for his page, then click the button to see his wall, then click the message button. Then there was the 30 seconds it took for me to write him a quick note of well wishing. I even  opened with Daddy and ended with I love you. I mean honestly that was 5 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. But alas I did it because it’s what I always do. He is my father, so I make the effort, hoping that some day he will see and attempt to be a part of my life too. (Here is some of that sadness I was talking about. Oh and a little contempt) Anyway, because curiosity killed the cat, I went ahead and opened the email. It read, “Did I say f*** you? Well F*** you. Larry” He didn’t even have the balls to capitalize ‘you’ as well. I mean if I was planning on disowning one of my children I think I’d at least have the balls to write it in all caps *WARNING*, FUCK YOU!!!,  I mean let’s really get the true feelings and emotions behind it right?  I guess I probably would have the balls to at least call too, not do it over email as he so often does when he’s had yet one too many beers.  Oh sorry, I forgot to mention this is not the first time my sperm donor has disowned me. I quit counting after the 4th time. Remember my first post about being from different worlds? While my Knight in Shining Armour grew up with The Cleavers, I grew up in a really bad episode of cops being hosted by Jerry Springer.  Now before I continue I need to clear The Red Queen. She was/is a great mom. She was very young when she met ‘The Sperm Donor’ as I think I shall refer to him from now on Oh Boy!  He was much older than her and already jaded by a sad life. He was an overbearing, arrogant, abusive ass. He still is actually.  Anyway, what is the proper response to that? I mean I had racked my brain and I had come to the conclusion that I’d done nothing. I simply replied, “Thanks??”  I received a reply saying that it was “too bad” I was what I was (he even used my full name all dad and authoritative like. AND he spelled it right this time!!) and that he would “see to it “ that I never saw or heard  or got anything from him again. I couldn’t help but LOL. I haven’t seen him in over a year as it is and we lived in the same town. On top of that he has not seen any of my children (except for Princess Avalon once) in 7 ½ years.  Yep that’s right. When The Sperm Donor divorced my mother 17 years ago, he decided to take a back seat to my life. I tried. I really did and sometimes he was around. But it was never a warm, fuzzy relationship. Over the past 17 years there have been many times that I have upset him and he has disowned me. I think my favorite time, and when I stopped really counting, was when I had PJ. He decided right before PJ’s heart surgery to tell me I was a terrible person.  (what perfect timing on his behalf, you all know about PJ) Apparently being a “traditional Catholic” was what warranted the vulgar, hate filled emails (yes that’s plural) that I received.  I guess living a catholic life, trying to do what we felt, at the time, was God’s will, home schooling, going to church, praying,  having multiple children, made me “pathetic”, “a cat in heat”, “irresponsible”.   PJ’s real name is 3 very catholic names, again a sign of where we were in life.  Apparently (I like that word tonight) that offended him. He started off his email by saying it was my fault that PJ or’ Jesus Juan Michael whatever the f*** his name is’, as he so lovingly referred to him, was in a hospital and might die. Also I obviously didn’t need a father anymore because I had chosen the Catholic Church as my “father” and I was no longer in need of him. I could continue on but you get the idea. I was hurt, devastated actually. I did not speak to him again for almost 3 years, but at the urging of The Red Queen, I extended the olive branch, again. I sent him a birthday card. We have spoken briefly over the years. A quick email here, a phone call there, the occasional card.  For awhile he and The Step Mother actually sent the kids gift cards for their birthdays. When we moved back to NV he again was offended, this time by my Knight in Shining Armour.  The short version is my Knight in Shining Armour called out The Step Mothers partner in a real estate thing. I wasn’t even involved, but I guess being married to him somehow made it my fault. I also learned during this time that because The Red Queen had given us $2000, 20 years ago, (when we were first married) caused the demise of their blissful union. Wow. I am Awesome!!  So in honor of the ‘death’ of my ‘father’ (and I use that term VERY loosely) I thought I would share some of my favorite memories. Oh Boy!
                                                                                                                                                                [to be continued]

So in 'honor' of my 'dead' father, I thought I would share a few of my favorite memories from my time with him. That way everyone in cyberspace can see what a great caring, thoughtful, selfless man he really was (oh incase you missed it, that's contempt):

  • One of my earliest memories of my dad is sitting on his lap while I was sick being rocked in the rocking chair in my yellow footie jammies.
  • We left out salami and beer (Old Milwaukee to be exact) for Santa.
  • The Sperm Donor would tell me he was going to shoot the Easter Bunny and Santa if they showed up. Sometimes he would pull the gun out from behind the couch.
  • He beat the crap out of our part wolf dog Shiloh, with a chain, because she nipped me.
  • When I was 5, he and my mom were arguing. My mom was in my room and he punched a hole through my door. The next day he switched my door with the bathroom door. He then used a centerfold from Penthouse or Playboy (or both for that matter) to cover the hole.
  • We lived in a trailer park, but had a corvette. 
  • My dad had a motorcycle and used to drive me around on the gas tank.
  • My parents separated for awhile (I know huh?) and when I would visit, my dad, would by me stuff. Like a snuggle doll that I adored.
  • My dad taught me how to swim when I was 5 years old. 
  • We owned an El Camino. We drove to The Nugget for dinner and some man stole our parking spot. He proceeded to yell at the man and when he wouldn't move his car, he used our brand new car to lift the offender's car off the ground.Needless to say the man then moved his car.
  • We had another dog (also named Shiloh), she got pregnant. He shot all of her puppies when they were born.
  • I have a teddy bear that I have had since I was 6 months old. My dad would come in and turn him on his head. He did this even as I was an adult during the rare occasions he was at my house.
  • He would have Poker Night and watch porno's with the guys. He did turn the TV around so I couldn't see anything, but I could still hear it. 
  • I woke up to him completely naked, standing in my bedroom doorway, holding a gun. He thought someone had broken into our home. They were not in my room.
  • My dad can build a car from nothing into a priceless auto, complete with a custom paint job.
  • One night, The Sperm Donor, and his 2 buddies and all their wives went out dancing. The men all got wasted and were being obnoxious, so the women came home. I went to bed and was awoken to the sound of my mom freaking out. I got up and went to the living room. My dad was bloodied and bruised. Apparently the men had gone to the grocery store for beer. There were some young Asian boys there. The men, being bigots, (I know shocker!!) decided to give the kids crap and follow them. When the Asian boys headed home, The Sperm Donor and his buddies followed the young men. When the young men pulled over a confrontation insued and the Asian boys proceeded to kick the living s**t out of The Sperm Donor and his buddies (ROFL can you say karma)  So after he went to the hospital he couldn't eat or drink anything for weeks without a towel on his lap. We still laugh about that.
  • My dad emancipated himself at 16, went to high school, received honors and worked 40 hours a week.
  • He married a women at 19 years old and proceeded to make her life miserable.
  • He has a child (my older half-sister) that he swore wasn't his and abandoned. Even though she is his biological child. (Although reading all of this, I'm thinking she was the lucky one)
  • Had a gay brother who died of AIDS that he did't talk to because he was gay. Refused to take me to the funeral because I was wearing black. As he left he told me he hated me. He also told all his family I was on drugs. (which I wasn't)
  • My dad loved me until I started puberty. The Sperm Donor hated me once I grew breasts. I think he had a hard time differentiating between me and all the 'little girls' in his porno magazines.
  • Got super angry at his parents for allowing my gay uncle's partner to have his ashes. When The Red Queen said, "well it's not much different than you and I." He FLIPPED out. That was a fantastic night.
  • When The Sperm Donor was angry he would scream obscenities at The Red Queen. Things that even I won't repeat here. She would just go to bed and lie down. He would then go back and forth between the living room and drinking then back to her room to scream at her.
  • He would scream, yell, hit, kick and throw things when angry.
  • He is an alcoholic. I went to Alateen during high school. I am pretty sure it's the only way I survived.
  • One morning, when I was 14, he dropped me off at school. Before I got out of the car he looked at me and said, "I just don't know where I went wrong", then drove off. 
  • The Sperm Donor got angry at me for crying when my friend killed himself. I got yelled at for 2 hours.
  • The Sperm Donor made sure that The Red Queen had no friends. That way she could never see her true value and worth.
  • I would get yelled at if I cried.
  • Had the police show up at our home on more than one occasion.
  • He alienated The Red Queen from her family. Making her choose between him and her mom and siblings.
  • I had a dress that my paternal grandmother made me when I was little. I also had a 3ft smurf my dad bought me when I turned 8, both of these items resided in The Sperm Donor's house after I moved out. One day he decided to clean, instead of calling me and asking me to come get these items (which I was saving for my children) he threw them away.
  • When my Knight in Shining Armour stayed with us, during Christmas, The Sperm Donor was angry (over Christmas, the price of tea in China who knows why) and he was being his usual beligerant, drunk self. My poor Knight in Shining Armour thought he was going to kill us.One day while we were all out of the house, my Knight in Shining Armour went through the house while we were gone and found all of the loaded guns. That way he could protect my mom and I.
  • My dad cried when I got married.
  • My dad held my new born daughter with tears in his eyes.
  • The Sperm Donor condemned my premature baby to death and has never seen him. 
And with that I shall now bury him. Thank you all for perservering through my memories. I promise my next post will be fun loving, full of excitement and vodka. (well this post was full of vodka too, but not the happy vodka)